


Cooking Mechanisms

by KairiasYami2



Series: hope (comes slow) [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Backstory, Emile is Logan's kid brother and Remy is barely mentioned, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, It's his mom who doesn't even get a name but still, Logan doesn't have the happiest or most relaxed childhood, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Minor Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Multi, Neglect, Other, cooking as a coping mechanism, why do i do this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24636979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KairiasYami2/pseuds/KairiasYami2
Summary: Logan’s mother lives for three years after being diagnosed with lung cancer.(Day 19 of '500 word challenge' I'm doing with myself.)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Dark Creativity | Remus/Deceit | Janus/Logic | Logan (Sanders Sides), Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani
Series: hope (comes slow) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1671700
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	Cooking Mechanisms

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, two mentions of the the f word (3 letters, insulting to gay people but also meaning cigarette in the UK) by an immature little kid who has no idea what he's saying.  
> I don't know if it's triggering to people, so I figured I'd warn just in case.

Prompt: Cooking

* * *

Logan’s mother lives for three years after being diagnosed with lung cancer. They had caught it early, earlier than they catch most cases, and the doctors were hopeful that she might beat the cancer.

Logan’s father is a busy man, constantly at work, and his hard work means that they didn’t struggle too much with the added burden of her medical bills, despite how much everything seems to cost. But he works so hard that he has little time for taking care of either his children or himself. His little free time is spent in the hospital keeping his wife company.

So it is up to Logan, at the too young age of 9, to take care of himself and his brother Emile. It is up to Logan to make sure the house stays clean, that he and Emile eat well and go to bed at a good time and get to school. He helps Emile with his homework, what little the 7 year old has, while he does the laundry; he does his own studies at school while Emile is at his after school reading club. Emile is a good kid, but still a kid, only a few years younger than Logan himself, and sometimes he makes messes and refuses to clean up after himself. He finds that he doesn’t enjoy cleaning all that much - the smell of disinfectant and bleach make his head ache - and he doesn’t really like having to deal with dishes. 

But there is one chore that he does enjoy.

Cooking.

There is something about cooking - maybe it’s the way that it resembles the chemistry he has read about and been interested in; maybe it’s the way that with a couple of simple ingredients and some time, Logan can make something amazing; maybe it is just the simple joy in his brother’s eyes when he eats something that Logan made. For whatever reason, Logan finds himself seeking refuge in cook books and cooking.

When things become too much for him, when his small body tires of too many chores and too little restful sleep, when the responsibility he has taken upon his tiny shoulders become too much to bear; when he can’t deal with his little brother’s endless optimism or childish tantrums, and his mother’s condition, and his father’s absence. Cooking is his solace. He can focus his mind, without the stress of worrying about what would happen if he failed - all that would happen is an inedible meal, rather than bad grades or the disappointment of those around him.

So he cooks. Sometimes he cooks too much, and so he brings the extras to his class. For the first few times, no one questions where he gets the treats. But then, one boy asks - ‘did your mom make this? It’s yummy!’ - and Logan says no. He tells the class that he was the one who made them. And, well...

Kids can be cruel, because they don’t realize their words are hurtful. Or because they haven’t learned that hurting others isn’t a good way to make yourself feel better.

So the boy who asked sneers and says ‘ew,  _ you _ cooked this? Gross! Boys aren’t supposed to cook. You a  _ fag _ ?’ Several students giggle, and the teacher gasps, and Logan has to frown, because he doesn’t know what fag means, but the boy sounded mean, and the teacher doesn’t seem happy he said that, so Logan guesses it means something bad. He doesn’t let himself cry, instead turning his attention to thinking about what he’ll make for dinner. Emile has mentioned that he wants spaghetti, so Logan is thinking he’ll chop up some vegetables to add to a sauce so that Emile will actually eat some.

Logan doesn’t bring food to school anymore. He still cooks.

Logan’s mom dies when he’s 12 after a long struggle, and he turns to cooking.

Logan’s dad throws himself into his work with a greater fervor than before, and sometimes it will be weeks before Logan or Emile sees him in person. Logan cooks.

Logan starts high school, and despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to make any friends. Apparently he’s too uptight, and the fact he has little free time between school and taking care of Emile means that he has no time to hang out with friends. He cooks to combat the loneliness.

Logan realizes that he has never looked at a female in attraction, and wonders. He cooks as he works through his sexuality.

Emile meets a boy - Logan can never get a straight answer out of him as to what his name is, but is told to call him Remy, and Logan eventually shrugs and accepts the oddity - and spends more time with Remy than at the house. Suddenly, Logan doesn’t have anyone to take care of; Emile doesn’t need Logan to take care of him anymore. He cooks some more, though he longer has anyone else to eat all the food he makes. 

( _ As years pass and things happen, Logan keeps in touch with Emile, but they rarely see each other anymore. Logan has asked why Emile avoids him, and Emile only gives him a sad smile. ‘It’s because I’m angry. Not at you, at dad and mom and the world for our childhood. Seeing you reminds me of how fast you had to grow up. I don’t like being angry.’ Logan isn’t sure he understands completely, but he accepts it and knows that Emile still loves him, so he leaves him be with Remy. _ )

Logan graduates from high school, and the first two years of college are hard. Not the academics, because he can handle them well enough, but the fact he doesn’t have access to his own kitchen. He can’t cook.

Logan meets Roman in his second year, and with him comes Patton, and they grow closer. One day, Roman serenades him and asks him out; through his embarrassment, Logan manages to stutter out a ‘yes.’ Logan rents an apartment at the end of that year, and he spends the summer and most of the next semester cooking. Roman becomes the one who eats most of his creations.

Logan graduates with Roman, and they both go to graduate school - different ones, of course, because they have vastly different interests, but ones close enough that at the end of their second year they decide it’s stupid for them to be living apart when it would be easier and cheaper to rent an apartment together. It’s bigger than Logan’s old apartment, and the kitchen is so much better. He enjoys cooking in it very,  _ very _ much.

Logan sits in his beloved kitchen after discovering his boyfriend cheating with his friend. He wants to cook. But looking at the cooking bowls in the sink that they had used the night before to bake heart-shaped cookies together makes him want to throw up. He can’t cook.

At Dee and Remus’s house, Logan cooks. But he can’t get the same joy he once felt. He enjoys taking care of his new roommates, so he cooks. But it’s not the same.

And then they have a food fight. And they talk. And Logan goes to bed that night with three boyfriends ( _ three! Three whole boyfriends, how did he get so lucky? _ ), and wakes up in the morning to kisses and soft whispers and warmth.

When he gets up to make breakfast, he prepares himself for the disappointment of his lost joy. But when he picks up the spatula and grabs the ingredients for omelets, he feels a familiar feeling rise in his chest. He realizes he’s smiling. He looks at the pan in front of him and doesn’t think about Roman, about his mom and dad, about Emile. He just thinks about Dee and Remus and Virgil, and their smiles when they eat his food.

He cooks.


End file.
